Having baby Benedict here, alive and breathing has taken some of the stress and pain away that is here, but it doesn’t take all of it. Freddie is still a person who lived and breathed and we can’t forget that, he can’t ever be replaced or forgotten. Sometimes when Ben open his eyes I can see just a tiny bit of Freddie in them and although that only normal I can’t help but have that tiny nagging worry, I try ever so hard not to worry but it’s just so hard.
When I hold Ben people say that some girls my age already have a baby, I have vowed not to be one of those girls, I’m happy just to have a younger brother. Also it keeps occurring to me that by the time he’s 6 or 7 he’ll probably be coming to spend weekends with me. If he does he’ll have to get used to spending a lot of time in the theatre being cooed by the other dancers! That is a very strange thought and not one I like to think about very often.
When Ben is awake all my fears, doubt and worry vanish but when he is asleep and has been for a while they come back, they creep into the back of my mind sparking off other worries, I remember these worries because I had them with Freddie, when we were at the hospital I was fine but at home I would just worry.
I have decided that I will be happy and I will not wish away his babyhood or is childhood, partly because by doing that I am wishing my own childhood away but mainly because I want to be able to enjoy him forever and always.